Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I’ve just had a lot of things going on in my life. I got a promotion right before the busy season at work, I moved, and had some other personal issues in my family. I just wanted to get one post out for today but moving forward I will try to post every Thursday consistently.
I wanted to talk about grief because I feel like we don’t talk enough about death in our culture, or how to deal with death. Of course you can grieve for other things as well, like the end of a marriage, but in this case I am dealing with a death. I lost my grandmother this week, and it’s impacted me in a way death hasn’t before because it was sudden and unexpected. Grief is like snowflakes, it doesn’t look the same on two people, so it may not be for me what it is for you. I probably haven’t even hit all the stages, but here are some things I’ve learned about grief this week.
You’re never going to feel like you had enough time with the person.
I’ve seen sudden death and I’ve seen long declines. It doesn’t change the fact that you are always going to want more time with the person. If you lose someone and feel guilty about the time you did not spend with them, just understand that those feelings are normal, and everyone feels that way. You’re not a bad person, you didn’t know how much time you were going to have with them.
No matter how expected a death is, when it happens it will still feel like a surprise.
I knew towards the end that my grandmother was going to pass, and yet she went from being perfectly healthy to being near death within a very short amount of time. Even though I knew a couple days beforehand she was going to pass, it’s still a shock to me that she’s gone. I’m still trying to process how quickly this happened.
You’re not going to know what to say when someone asks, “Are you okay?”
No, of course I’m not, but should I tell you that? You have to judge for yourself if you should be honest or not. I haven’t really opened up to anyone at work, but I have been open with people in my personal life. Find someone you can be honest with, as it can be helpful to talk it out.
You learn what your limits are on what you can handle alone.
At some point, if you’re not okay, you’ll have to admit it to yourself and your support system. You do not have to go through this alone. I have the tendency to try to deal with everything alone, but the other night I was crying and I had to eventually wake up my boyfriend because I just couldn’t handle being alone any longer.
Grief can look different for each person you lose.
I’ve lost a few loved ones now and I can tell you the grieving process has been very different for each person. The circumstances of death can be different, the stage of your life can be different, and these things mean that your grief can be very different. It’s okay if you don’t react the same way each time, or the same as those around you.
Aside from the things I’ve learned about grieving this week, I’ve also learned some things that can help in the grieving process which I’ve outlined below. They worked for me, maybe they can work for you.
Find things that can bring some positivity into your life.
I’ve been consuming a lot of media with positive messages, such as Queer Eye. When you’re feeling down you need to surround yourself with positivity that can help lift you up.
You can allow yourself to distract yourself from what’s happening at first, but just know that you’ll have to work through those feelings eventually.
When those feelings do come, allow yourself to feel what you feel. You can’t heal until you face reality.
You have to do what feels right for you.
You know how to heal yourself. Don’t let anyone else’s ideas of what grief looks like get in the way of your healing.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to your support network.
You have people in your life that care about you and want to be there for you–it’s okay to lean on them when you can’t go it alone.
Get out in nature.
I find that being outdoors can help me clear my head. I’m planning some hikes and trips to the beach where I can work on processing everything. Plus, taking in some Vitamin D can help improve your mood.
Make time for self-care.
Your loved ones would want you to take care of yourself. Don’t neglect yourself: wash your face, brush your hair, floss. You can also go a step further and put on comfy clothes, take out a fuzzy blanket, put on makeup. Do something for yourself that is going to help you feel better. Sometimes it’s just getting out of the house to treat yourself to a nice latte.
Have something to work on that you can accomplish.
Take on a project you can throw your energy into. This might simply mean going back to work for some. For me, it’s designing my new space in our new home.
Use this time to implement changes you’ve been wanting to make.
Take that class you’ve been wanting to try out forever, dye your hair, use this as a reminder to spend time with family you’ve been meaning to visit. Whatever it is for you, get out and live your life.
I hope this helped. Again, these are things I learned or used to help me, but I’d love to hear what helped you if you’ve ever lost a loved one. Let me know in the comments, and I hope you have a great weekend!
Livvy